A Letter And A Kiss
by takaxdesu
Summary: He wrote the letter because he knew night would be the end of him. He wrote the letter because he wanted to make sure she knew exactly what she meant to him. He wrote it because leaving her behind for someone else was the hardest thing he'd ever done.


_My love,_

_What if I told you that you suffered for nothing…what if I told you that everything you ever went through for me was just a lie…what if I told you that no matter how much I loved you, I couldn't stand to be with you…because of the hurt in your eyes the moment I told you that I was slowly dying._

_Everything I'm about to tell you is true…so don't think that I'm saying these words to you because I want you to preserve the memory of my kindness, don't think that I want everyone to believe that I wasn't such a horrible person after all. I was, Hermione, I was a terrible person. But whenever I was around you, I don't know why, but I had to be kind. Something about you demanded respect, and that respect eventually turned to love._

_So we got married the second you were graduated, the second a relationship between the two of us wouldn't be consider irrational and disgusting, although many still thought that to be true. You saw something in me that no one had even imagined existed. You saw love in me, and you saw a man that deserved a fighting chance at it. I thank you endlessly from the bottom of my wretched heart for giving me that chance._

_Eventually you gave me a son, and I know it hurt you to see that at that point in time…I was too damaged to recognize him as a member of my family. In this I will say that it hurt me as well. But that was the kind of hurt I never wished for you to experience, I would never wish upon anyone the pain that I saw in your eyes that day._

_I loved our son, Hermione, and you did very well in raising him to believe that there was good in the world, though secretly you knew that he realized that his own father wasn't capable of helping that good come out. Secretly you knew that our young son realized that I was of the evil side, and I can't begin to tell you how much I regret that I never gave up on the Dark Arts. _

_I hesitate now to finish my thought…it might hurt more than the lies of happiness we built around ourselves. But the truth is…you didn't have to go through all that, you didn't have to be miserable and then pretend everything was all right when I got home from work. You could've left, and behind my mask of peacefulness, I knew neither of us could ever be completely happy for life. _

_But you made sure to wear a smile, and I never realized how much each one of those smiles saved me. Endless pain was fixed with a single delightful curve of your lips. Each kiss made me feel like we were alone ((although the frequent wailing of our dear son quickly reminded me that it wasn't so)). You taught me something by hiding your misery, you taught me that regardless of how hard life is, sometimes it's easier to let go of our problems. _

_That lesson is the exact reason why I'm writing this letter to you. You should know that I'm gone if you have received this letter, and I want you to know that I tried desperately to hold on for you, but I eventually realized that suffering to keep you happy was not what our marriage deserved, or what you and our child deserved. So I've released my pain, my sorrow, my discontent with life's trivial tests, my desire to release you from the hurt you experienced each time you sat at my side and watched me slowly wither away._

_Do not despair, love, for I am probably standing right behind you as you read this, a hand on your shoulder for comfort. Do me a favor…touch your hand with mine; let me know that you believe love can cross every dimension. I promise that I'll do anything to prove to you that I'm right there behind you, as I was in my years alive, at your side, and trust me when I say that I've spent every second of our life together admiring your sheer confidence in the fact that you could make it all better._

_What I said at the beginning of this letter is true…you truly suffered for nothing, if one day when I came home you were tired of wearing a fake smile, you could have yelled at me and told me you never wanted to see my filthy, slimy face ever again. Which, might I add, might have been true more than once? _

_But regardless, I want you to know one thing…I would have easily done anything to keep you happy. All those years of calling you a know-it-all, well, I can't really say I didn't think so then, but I surely regret it now. The point I'm trying to make is…I wanted to make sure you would have the choice. I would have taken your yelling and beating at my chest with your fists silently, and then I would have gladly held you while you cried. Whether it would have been out of regret or anger, I wouldn't have cared, I would have held you until the tears stopped._

_But you never yelled, you never beat at my chest with your fists ((although I'm not saying I would have particularly enjoyed it… I once heard from Mister Malfoy that you throw a painful punch)), and you never made me regret asking you to marry me. Oh how happy I was the day you married me. Spending a life with me…well I wouldn't have chosen it but you did._

_Moving onward into our life…the second our son was born, I was elated…but you have to understand that emotions for me at that time…well they were more than a little problematic. The Dark Lord never went particularly easy on me for being with you ((hey now I'm not complaining)), and I think I felt slight regret, but I can't really remember the old days…that one day is one of the few that I can easily recall…the rest…well, those are a definite problem. _

_I'll bet you knew that, though, didn't you? You put on that great big smile the second the midwife placed him in your arms, and you looked up at me with the same smile beaming out of your eyes. After that, I tell you, I did my best to smile. If it turned out to be more of a scowl, I certainly am sorry for that. At least I tried to show you how much it meant to me that you gave me a son… an heir to our name…yes our name, you earned it when you decided life with me sounded fun._

_Our love was cold, but it reached lukewarm at points, you knew how to prod me into a friendly smile a little too often, and in a few beautiful moments, I even smiled on my own. Which is sort of a feat for me, considering I was a heartless bastard. Yes I said was, I believe you changed me. I'm not that same cold heartless prick that made fun of your teeth anymore, I'm your husband after all, and so something had to have changed. _

_God…it's a bit difficult for me to write now. I tell you this because I know I'm reaching the end of my life. It's been hard, nobody said marriage was easy, but life with you certainly changed my outlook on things. Because of you I was able to pluck up a rose and waft in the scent before placing it in your eager grasp. Because of you I secretly was able to look at a sunset and convince myself that it was indeed beautiful, as long as you were beside me. Sunsets alone are boring, and quite depressing._

_So I have to say goodbye to you now, but I want to make one thing clear. You're only twenty-nine, which means that by no means do I expect you to brood over me for the rest of your life. No, I'm not asking you to forget me, I know it would kill you inside to forget what we had, and as much as I love you, please don't come up for a permanent visit so early in your life. No…I want you to move on. It sounds stereotypical, but it's true…please find love. For me. I love you Hermione. And I know you love me…so let someone else experience what it's like to be with you._

_I'll miss holding you, and I'll miss seeing your smile after a long day, but as long as you keep a section of your heart devoted to my memory, I will rest in peace, and you won't ever have to forget what it feels like to love, because I've found that it is truly a joyous feeling. I'll say it again…I love you Hermione. And I always will. Goodbye, my love, and please, for me, don't suffer anymore._

_With all my heart and soul, I remain yours,_

_Severus Snape_

Hermione stared tearfully at the sheets that rested limply in her grasp. She turned her gaze to her husband, where he slept, peacefully. She got up from the chair that she had been confining herself to for nearly an hour, and kissed his forehead. Her delicate fingers pushed away a dark strand of hair, the tips brushing against his skin along the way. She then pulled her lips away, settling into the bed space next to him, slipping her small hand into one of his rough, tortured ones.

As she held onto his hand, she winced and closed her eyes, recalling all the dark memories of her past…the marriage that she felt could have done better. She smiled weakly, he was groaning a bit, signaling the fact that he was slowly waking up. Her eyes locked with his, and she swiped at a wandering tear, wiping it off her face. "Severus," she whispered, "please…promise you'll never write me a letter like that unless you know you're about to go. I don't want you to go…please…" her voice pleaded with him, and the look in his eyes as she begged him to stay assured her that he was going nowhere.

"But Hermione, I won't be around forever," he replied in a soft, somewhat tired voice, touching a hand to the side of her face, stroking her skin. "You do know that, don't you?" He smiled softly, gazing into her eyes, searching for the answer. She had to know that no one lived forever.

Hermione offered a slight smile. "Yes, love, I know." She tilted her cheek into his palm, closing her eyes as she whispered, "But you also have to know that I won't let something as simple as this kill you. You'll never be gone to me." Her voice shook from the tears, and she wasn't sure if she should say more, so she just left it up to him to reply, secretly hoping he would.

Severus smiled and pulled her to him, so that she lay next to him, and he kissed her softly. "Alright, love, then I'll never leave you," he said in the same tired voice, as if agreeing that nothing was wrong would let him stay. He was no longer a strong man. "Hermione…don't lose that letter…" he whispered, his eyes fluttering closed, god he was so tired, he just wanted to go to sleep. He kissed her again, his arms tight around her, she had settled into him by now, never the one to protest to being held like this. "Just don't ever forget that for almost 14 years, I loved you."

Hermione was startled by the finality in his words…he was speaking like he was dying. Then she realized that what he was suffering from wasn't so simple, and she silently resigned herself to the fact that this time she couldn't make it better. She kissed his lips softly, and then he was gone, like the flame being extinguished from a candle. His eyes lost their life, his arms no longer held her as they used to, his lips no longer held any warmth. She whispered countless '_I love you_'s to him, begging him not to leave her, then she crawled out of his lifeless embrace to pick up the abandoned letter.

_So this…_she thought painfully_, this is why he…_the thought couldn't be continued. "Goodbye love…" she muttered, and then she left the bedroom behind, heading to the bathroom to read the letter again. Over and over again she read the words, the last lines sticking in her mind, and she unconsciously placed a thin hand on her shoulder, smiling and tilting her head back, then once she felt it was all right, she let her pain flow freely.

"_I'll say it again…I love you Hermione. And I always will. Goodbye, my love, and please, for me, don't suffer anymore."_


End file.
